Citizens Bring City of Philadelphia Up on Charges of Misconduct Tavern

Burger Breakdown

Misconduct Tavern - Map It!
$10.00
Lettuce, tomato, onion, of questionable origin. Other flavors available for an up-charge.
Salty as the sea, skin-on, house-cut. Half decent.
3.0/10

Yes dear reader, we have returned. After a long absence, mostly caused by a near death experience resulting from our last review, we have picked up the burger-eating torch for the New Year and have made the resolution to hate things ever more this year.

Misconduct Tavern didn't impress me much. It is one of those neighborhood bars that I'd never walk into. It's not grimy or dim. Quite the opposite, the exposed red brick walls and dark wood tables make it inviting. But it it underwhelming in that it is totally normal, and uninteresting. But there were many people sitting and talking animatedly and having a good time. I was pretty sure Kyle wouldn't like it based on that alone. There were a bunch of TVs playing sports. Now I know neither of us would like the place.

I'm always hoping food will save the atmosphere. I'm usually wrong.

The Burger: The Misconduct Burger consists of house ground Prime Angus beef on a challah roll. Snore. Any other flavors cost extra.

Photo of a burger at Misconduct Tavern

Laurence: I had to deviate this time. I was so bored with the concept of this burger that I couldn't bring myself to eat it. Also I ate 1,000 pounds worth of burger in 2011 and I think my cardiologist would punch me in the groin if I started off the new year with another one. So I opted for the Salmon burger. This basically nullifies my review and as such Kyle's rating is the official one for this venue. If you're still reading and haven't skipped to Kyle's section, you might be interested in what I have to say about the salmon burger. Or you just enjoy sacrilege. I'm not choosey.

Misconduct's salmon burger is an actual salmon filet that is grilled and seasoned. It's more like a chicken sandwich than a burger. That automatically earns points in my book as most salmon burgers I've had in the past are some amalgamation of odd bits and pieces of salmon left over from cooking better meals.

Topping the salmon was dill, sour cream and mustard concoction. I'm generally not happy about the very concept of sour cream let alone having it on my food, but in small doses and mixed with the more commanding flavors it was tart and refreshing.

Also served with the burger are the house cut fries which are no standout but were tasty and received no ill marks in my book. They at least make the grade because they are skin-on which is a minimum bar for entry into good fry territory in my book.

All this may seem rather positive and as though I enjoyed my meal. That would be incorrect. The simple fact is that I couldn't bring myself to get the damn thing even at the risk of Kyle mocking me until the end of time. Unofficial Rating: 0/10.

Photo of a burger at Misconduct Tavern

Kyle: A better name for this place would be Spongebob Sportsbar. Never before have I experienced this combination of nautical decor and polo shirt. Never before have I wanted to experience this combination of nautical decor and polo shirt. Never before have I wanted to experience either nautical decor or polo shirt. Let's move past it.

The bar's sea theme extends to the meal. Not because it includes fish, or tropical ingredients, or rum, or kidnapping nubile native women or anything fun like that. Misconduct's burger reminds me of the sea because its salt content can cause dementia.

Photo of a burger at Misconduct TavernMaybe it's a deliberate theme. Salt preserves meat, and if you want to create a fun center city sea shanty bar, you can't skimp on the authenticity. If that's the case, the beef on Misconduct's burger is a great success. Aside from mouth-parching salt, it is extremely tough and bland, a result of spending a great deal of time unrefrigerated in the bow of a boat. It's also got a ton of gristle; when you need to make your food rations last, you throw in as much tendon and cartilage in your meat as you can.

While it's not likely that 19th century Spanish pirates used buttered brioche with their meals, the extreme hardness and dryness of the roll gives it more in common with hardtack than any sweet French bread. Hardtack, of course, can last a long sojourn across the sea without becoming more stale, because there is no state more stale than hardtack. Again, Misconduct manages to take a high-quality staple and bring the quality down for our high-seas experience.

My lettuce and tomato were very wilted, and while it's likely because the cook doesn't care about me, I'd like to believe the excess sodium in the burger leeched all the water content and vitamins from the vegetables, helping to coax the onset of scurvy. Authenticity.

The fries here are equally laden with salt. Frankly, I have no idea if potatoes were a staple on pirate ships, and given the more Mediterranean origins of the bandits, it seems unlikely. But if they were to eat potatoes, I'm sure they would absolutely ruin them with salt. Well played indeed.

For a Walnut Street bar, Misconduct manages to take a modern Philadelphia meal and translate it into something that the always-popular pirate demographic would enjoy. From stale bread to nearly rotting meat, the Misconduct's apparent goal of creating a pirate burger is an unqualified success.

But if that's not their goal, then this burger sucks. Rating: 3/10.

Verdict: 

You've got better things to do with your time and intestines than whatever it is that is happening in Misconduct.

3.0
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